Why It’s Healthier to Have the “Divorce” Conversation with Kindness and Compassion
Couples contemplating the life-altering decision to divorce often struggle with the idea that they are “faking it” in front of their children. This is especially true around the holidays, when we put on a brave face, pretending that everything is fine, in an attempt to shield their kids from the turmoil bubbling beneath the surface.
At Family Transitions, we hear all of the time how stressful it is “faking it” for the children. This sense of dishonesty weighs heavily on parents, making them feel guilty for lying to their children, which only compounds the emotional stress in the home.
The hesitation to talk openly about divorce with kids is understandable. As parents, we fear the emotional trauma we believe we are causing, dreading shattering our children's sense of security. However, research, and our experience helping hundreds of couples, show that, when this conversation is carefully planned and parents present a united front for their children, the parents feel immense relief and the children handle the news of divorce far better than the adults feared. It truly is that the fear of HAVING the conversation is worse than the conversation itself.
The Internal Struggle
Parents contemplating divorce or recently separated often find themselves navigating two parallel realities: the one they experience behind closed doors, filled with tension, frustration, and uncertainty, and the one they present to their children—often a picture of family unity and normalcy. This emotional dissonance can leave parents feeling like they are living a lie, which can lead to feelings of guilt and confusion. They want to protect their kids from pain, but in doing so, they feel they’re delaying the inevitable, further complicating their emotions.
The Cost of Faking It
While the intention to “fake it” for the sake of the kids is born out of love and concern, children are often far more perceptive than adults realize. Kids can pick up on emotional undercurrents and sense when something isn’t quite right. The longer parents try to hide their true feelings, the more confusing it can become for children who are left to fill in the gaps with their imaginations.
In many cases, when parents delay the divorce conversation out of fear, they prolong a tense environment that can subtly impact their children’s emotional well-being. Children thrive in environments of consistency and trust, and when parents are authentic about their emotions—even difficult ones—it helps foster that trust.
Kids Handle It Better Than You Think
The truth is, while the idea of breaking the news about divorce can feel overwhelming, most kids handle the situation much better than parents anticipate. When given the opportunity to process the information in a supportive and reassuring environment, children are resilient. How they respond often depends on how the conversation is framed.
A calm, united approach where both parents emphasize that the divorce is no one’s fault and that families come in all shapes and sizes, can alleviate many of the fears children might initially feel. Allowing space for questions, giving honest answers, and keeping open lines of communication will help your children adjust more smoothly than expected.
The Right Way to Have the Conversation
If done thoughtfully, the conversation about divorce can be a turning point where children gain a deeper understanding of family dynamics, resilience, and change. Here are some key tips for breaking the news in a healthy way:
Present a United Front: Even if you and your spouse are struggling with your own emotions, it's important to sit down together and present a unified message to your kids. This reassures them that you are still working as a team when it comes to their well-being.
Choose the Right Time: Timing matters. Choose a calm moment where you won’t be interrupted and, ideally, there will be time to process before needing to go back to school, work, or extracurricular activities.
Keep It Age-Appropriate: Tailor the conversation to the child’s age and emotional maturity. Younger children need reassurance of daily routines, while older children may need more detailed explanations and reassurance that their lives won’t be disrupted.
Acknowledge Their Feelings: Let your kids know it’s okay to feel sad, angry, or confused. Validate their emotions and let them know you are there to help them navigate these feelings.
Reassure Them About the Future: One of the biggest concerns children have is how the divorce will affect their daily lives. Be prepared to answer questions about where they will live, how often they will see both parents, and how things will change. Family Transitions helps all of our families with the details of this conversation, but there are lot of resources available to help you with this.
Keep Communication Open: Divorce is not a one-time conversation. Be open to revisiting the topic and addressing any concerns your children may have as they process the situation, and know that this is likely to happen many times as you move through the transition to two households.
The idea of “faking it” in front of your kids while contemplating divorce feels emotionally exhausting, but honesty—handled with kindness and compassion— yields better outcomes, and ironically, a new sense of cohesiveness for you all. Children are often more adaptable and resilient than we give them credit for. While divorce changes family dynamics, it doesn’t have to leave children traumatized. With the right approach, kids can adjust, find their footing, and continue to thrive.
And so will their parents.
This time next year, you can be facing the holidays joyfully, and as your authentic self. And that is truly a gift for all of you. Contact us today to learn more!
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